Later in bed, I thought about the nest. Its emptiness and beauty moved me still. Then, I realized why. Because my home is like that nest. I created beautiful space, anticipating my little ones...click Read More
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For a long time, feelings of isolation and disconnection characterized my experience of being involuntarily childless.
Whether at work meetings, social gatherings, across boardroom tables where I volunteered, people around me were bonding over conversations about their children. So many times, I was left out. In my experience, today's typical conversation-starter question is, "Do you have children?" And, I dread that question for many reasons. Mainly being that no one asking seems prepared for a 'no' response. When I say 'no', awkward silence is the most frequent consequence. Then, it feels up to me to bridge the silence and dispel the other person's surprise and apparent discomfort. I want people with children to know that the question "Do you have children?" can be painful for many people. I want people who ask this question to know... The Long Answer I. If you ask, "Do you have children?" I will inhale deeply and say, "No." II. Then I will ask about yours This is my strategy To deflect From the awkward silence my response elicits As I attempt to prevent Intrusive questions and Thoughtless suggestions III. But, you should know Behind my one-word response That seems abrupt to you Is an explanation that is excruciating for me IV. It is my story Of a lifetime spent expecting, dreaming and hoping That I would be a mom And then how I had to stop After years of continuous disappointment First I lost the expectation then I lost hope I had to stop I didn't let go, move on, or make a decision I had to stop my wishful thinking That had long become Constant disappointment V. It doesn't mean I didn't want children enough Doesn't mean I didn't want to be a parent as much as you But I HAD to stop Because grief had become the ever-present consequence An all-consuming state My grief was devastating and real Fueled by remnants of hope In the company of continuous disappointment I lost myself This was no way to live VI. When I stopped More grief was the consequence Deep, devastating and real Sadness, anger, isolation surrounded me VII. I had to learn how to sleep again, feel joy again Somehow find calm, peaceful thinking VIII. In time With understanding support, connection and community And more time, I have surfaced I feel a softening, feel lifted Grateful To feel peace and joy again To be living more fully again IX. But, you should know That a woman or man who wanted to be a parent But wasn't able Didn't willingly let go, move on Or make any easy decision She wanted children as much as you But she had to stop He had to stop wishing, wanting, trying He was devastated and, at some moments, still is X. Their grief should be recognized and gently acknowledged. Any woman or man grieving this loss should be consoled. Not asked questions, Or given suggestions. Instead, include us In your thoughts, conversation and community, Without first asking, "Do you have children?" Until I found available resources, the silence around involuntary childlessness was, for me, one of the most difficult parts of living this experience. Until I met other women in my shoes, I kept a lot of hard thoughts and most of the sadness felt to myself. I felt alone and isolated. And, certain phrases expressed by parents unintentionally hurt. The 'as a mother', 'as a parent', 'I never knew love until...' qualifiers made me feel less than. The phrases still make me want to shout in response, "As a caring, compassionate human, I feel love and am as empathetic as you."
With these thoughts, the following words came together. This Deep Loss Childless Does not mean Less than. Childless When not by choice Means to be forever Without the children We expected, dreamed about, Wished for, hoped for, Wanted. These children who never came Are deeply loved, Are heavily grieved, Always missed. To be childless involves Feeling isolated, Heartbroken, Judged, misjudged, Sidelined, misunderstood. When involuntary, Childless means child loss. Those of us who experience This deep loss, Have loved as profoundly and Grieved as heavily, As any parent would. |
AuthorInspirations and otherwise, as a woman without children. Welcome to share yours too - please be in touch using the Contact form. Categories
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